Explaining death and bereavement
Bereavement does not have set stages. Every person and situation is different. There are resources you can use and some organisations that offer support.
Be ready to manage a range of different emotions and get support when you need it. Choose simple words and plan to explain more than once.
How to be clear and kind
If you’re explaining death to someone, choose familiar words that they can understand. This usually means:
- saying what has happened, for example: “they have died”
- not using words with double meanings, “we’ve lost them” or “they’ve gone away”
Religious words and ideas might be confusing and upsetting for some people. The idea of being ‘watched’ by the person who died may be scary if this is new to them.
They might find death easier to understand if they have known a person or pet who has died before.
Before someone dies
If you know a person is going to die, you may have a chance to speak to the person who needs to understand before it happens.
Talking early can help. Having more time to explain may help. If you’re talking about your own death, more warning is usually helpful.
After someone has died
Find ways to help them to talk about who has died. For example, saying or reading something in the funeral service. Or they could:
- write a note
- light a candle
- make a book of memories of the person who died
- make their favourite cake on their birthday
Explaining death more than once
It’s common for people to ask more than once about the death of someone they know.
Try to answer every time, even when it’s hard or you think they know and understand.
This could be because they:
- do not understand yet (people can take a long time to make sense of news that they are not expecting)
- want to check what they already know is still true
If you are also upset
Talk about things you can do together. What might help will be different, depending on what the person likes and the situation. It’s OK to include your feelings in how you talk.
For example:
“It sounds to me as if you are sad and angry that Mum has died. I am too. I think that’s OK. But if we shout at each other that makes us both feel worse.
“Shall we go to the park and get some fresh air together? We can shout as loud as we can to the trees. It might help us both feel better. After that, maybe we could watch that film we used to all enjoy together? Or something else that you choose?”
Managing your own mental health
It’s also important to be able to express how you feel. Looking after your mental health is important. You can get support from:
- the NHS
- charities and organisations
- online advice and helplines
- people in your life you can trust
Bereavement does not have set stages
Grief does not follow any order.
If you need to speak to someone right now
People feel and do things differently when someone they care about has died.
For example:
- being sad and crying
- being angry about being ‘left behind’
- being upset but not looking upset to other people
- finding it hard to sleep or sleeping more
- eating less or eating more
- finding it harder to remember
- not being able to do their usual tasks
- finding ways to be busy
Support and resources
If someone feels very sad or angry for a long time, it could be a good time to get support. This could include talking therapies.
If these services are not accessible to you, ask for the adjustments that you need.
A lot of support is local. Social workers often know about local support networks.
Funeral directors can provide support, but this is usually for adults.
GPs can refer adults and children for counselling. You can take someone to your appointment if that will help.
If you’re talking about your own death, think about family members and friends who could help explain.
For people with learning disabilities
Everyone understands things in a different way. But if you're worried about how to explain a death to someone with a learning disability, try these resources:
Dealing with a bereavement, with easy read guides (Mencap)
Supporting bereaved people with learning disabilities (Sudden)
For children
Resources and support for children:
Last reviewed by Scope on: 27/04/2023
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