Talking about intimacy, sex and relationships
Becoming intimate with a new partner can mean getting to know each other in new ways. You might experience challenges or barriers, but there are lots of ways you can be intimate as a disabled person.
Talking about what you like, want and need is a great way to start.
Talking about becoming intimate
Whether or not it’s your first relationship, talking about intimacy with someone new can be difficult. You might be unsure about how to talk about what you want. You both might feel nervous, embarrassed or shy.
You and your partner will likely have some physical, emotional or sexual expectations. But there might also be some things that you do not have any expectations for.
It’s important to explore what you both like and dislike and how you might work around physical or emotional barriers.
Setting expectations and building trust
Before you talk, think about your expectations. Decide what intimacy means to you, what you do and do not want, or what you are ready for.
You should feel safe and comfortable with your partner. This means building trust. Share your thoughts and feelings about your expectations and see how your partner responds. You do not have to talk about everything in one go.
Talking about what you need
Every new relationship involves learning about each other. Talking openly can help you to understand each other’s point of view, what you both want and how to get it.
You might need to ask questions if things are not happening the way you want them to. For example, holding hands when you’re out in public.
This might be because:
- one of you feels uncomfortable with public displays of affection
- you’re not sure if the other person wants to hold hands
- the other person has not thought about it
It can help to explain why you do or do not want to do something. When people do not understand why there’s a problem, this can make them feel confused or upset.
Listening to each other and avoiding blame
Remember to listen to each other rather than just saying what you want. You can then find a compromise that makes you both happy. It’s also important to talk to your partner without blame and ‘you’ statements.
Try to avoid saying:
“You make me feel uncomfortable when you hold my hand in public.”
Instead, start with a positive, explain how the action makes you feel and then offer up a solution. For example, you might say:
“I like it a lot when you stroke my hair and give me hugs. It makes me feel loved but I prefer to do this at home because I feel awkward in public.”
Talk about how you want to be intimate
Being intimate with your partner can mean lots of things. It can be physical, emotional and sexual. You might have an intimate moment that’s physical or physical and emotional. It’s often not one or the other.
Understanding how you can be close can help you to talk about what you want and what you are able to do. This can be important if you have care support (like a PA) or physical challenges. It will help you talk about things you find difficult and ways to be intimate that could work for both of you.
If your partner is caring for you, it’s important to talk about care needs throughout your relationship too.
Talking about disability with a new partner
There are lots of ways you can have physical intimacy that’s not sexual. It’s important to understand that some physical intimacy is OK in public and others should be private, like touching more intimate body parts.
Physical intimacy could be:
- holding hands, touching their arm or shoulder
- putting your arm around each other in the cinema or a cafe
- a hug, cuddle or kiss
- stroking, rubbing or massaging their back or neck
- stroking or brushing hair
If you do not like something, it’s important to tell your partner. Explain why if you can and remember to avoid blame.
You should also check your partner is happy with physical contact. Asking permission can add to the intimacy, as well as sharing something you want or that you think they might like.
“Can I hold your hand?”
“I would like to kiss you. May I?”
“Would you like a hug?”
What you or your partner likes might change during your relationship. It can help to sometimes check if your partner wants you to do something differently.
Emotional intimacy and communication
As a relationship develops, you share more of yourselves. You tell each other things that you might not tell anyone else. You might bond over something you do on your own together.
Being emotionally close is important. But getting time to be alone together could be tricky if you have physical challenges. You could try texting, talking over the phone or using a video chat to help you to stay connected and close. This can also give you some privacy.
You can be emotionally intimate by:
- giving a thoughtful gift, like finding a book by an author they like
- getting involved in their interests and asking personal questions
- sharing your favourite music playlists or making a playlist
- leaving notes or sending messages and photos that show you’re thinking of them
- doing something thoughtful, like bringing a spare umbrella on a rainy day
- doing an activity together, like making or building something
- giving a compliment, like “you look nice today” or “those trousers suit you”
You might not feel confident talking about some things. Write things down if you’re too shy to say it.
Complimenting your partner
If you’re not sure how to compliment your partner, try talking about the things you like about them.
“You have… beautiful eyes, lots of energy, a great smile.”
“You can… write amazing poetry, cheer me up, understand me.”
“You are… kind, thoughtful, strong, funny.”
Think about how your compliment will make the other person feel and the situation you’re in. Is it the right thing to say in that moment?
Are you out in public or in private at home?
Are you on a romantic date or in a crowded room?
How well do you know each other?
Will a sexual comment make them feel uncomfortable or uneasy on a first date?
Sexuality and sexual intimacy
Thinking about why you want to have sex and talking about it with your partner can help you prepare.
Understanding your body, what you do and do not like, what excites you and how you like to be touched is important. You should feel comfortable before letting your partner touch you.
Privacy can be difficult if you have a lot of care support. Seek out advice and look at sexual guidance, equipment or techniques online that will help you find ways around any barriers.
It can be awkward to ask for help, especially if your parents do a lot of your care. But you have a right to learn and get help to live independently and experience new sexual or intimate things. You can try getting help from someone else to do this, like a sexual advocate (outsiders.org.uk).
Disability and getting ready to have sex
Consent and respect for each other
In any relationship, it’s important to respect that you and your partner might be ready to do things at different times. You should do or share things at your own pace.
It’s also important that you do not feel pressured into doing something. You can say ‘no’.
Asking for and giving permission can help you learn what you both like, especially with sex. It can give you the chance to find a way around barriers together.
Talk about your boundaries. Keep checking that what you want to do is OK, unless your partner says that you do not need to ask anymore. For example, they’ve said you can hold their hand without asking.
What people have agreed to can change with different situations. For example, if you’ve been drinking alcohol, had an argument or you’re not getting on. Just because you said yes in the past does not mean that you have to say yes again or every time. It’s not a contract, you can say no when you want to.
Last reviewed by Scope on: 08/04/2019